Asklemmy

i'm on the spectrum too and one of the things that life has taught me the hard way is not to take life advice from neurotypicals; it's not that they're wrong or malicious, it's only that they don't have a life that's anything like yours so their advice usually doesn't work or it's not applicable.

neurodivergence requires you to build your own mechanisms for handling the shit life throws at you and it also guarantees that you'll fail more often than not if you don't get professionally trained help; what you're feeling will keep happening until you do get that help.

put that healthcare you got to use.

He's a new manager working through a merger. He may be friendly and approachable, but he's got a lot on his plate.

He asked everyone to stay in their position. you applied for a new position. In his eyes, what kind of impression might you have made? Now he may still be friendly and approachable. More than likely, he saw it and said, "I don't have time for this."

If you want a change and need to do it through your manager, figure out what his problems are and if you can be helpful. If not, just do your job well. Then when the difficulties of the merger have balanced out, you may have space to ask again.

During a merger, things are complicated and messy. He has pressures that you may not be aware of. Advancing in your workplace often requires soft skills. They may seem mercurial and difficult, but it's just a set of skills.

As for thicker skin, first feel what is happening. Don't try to change it or wish it different. Gather data about how your emotional mind works and work with what it is and not what everyone says it should be.

You seem to be ready for either mindfulness meditation or Stoic philosophy. Neither one provides a quick fix, but the benefits accumulate over time.

I'm sorry that you're going through this. I wish you peace.

Walk barefoot in the woods and take up guitar.

I dont have much advice, but I will say this: there is nothing wrong with being upset you weren't given a fair shot.

How you handle that or what your follow up is, I don't know, but you being upset is absolutely a normal response to this.

Exposure therapy can be quite powerful. Let yourself feel upset: don't be ashamed that your emotions lash out. Let yourself feel, then remind yourself how things aren't as bad as they feel. Feeling and introspecting rather than suppressing in the face of pain is emotional weight lifting.

There will be times when you lack the emotional strength to exercise, and that's ok too. Everything in life ebbs and flows, and you can slowly make meaningful progress toward deeper happiness by taking advantage of the flows while showing yourself grace for your human imperfections when things ebb.

A major pillar of self improvement it seems we share is letting go of the expectation that everyone will like you. It's just as likely to be someone else's problems that lead them to not gel with you as it is to be your own problems. You have just as much a right to be imperfect as they do, but no amount of self-improvement can change other people's problems. At any given moment, the world simply is as it is and you can only make choices to navigate the future as best as you are able.

Finding controlled ways to put yourself in a bit of emotional peril can be helpful, like creating a throwaway to try and ernestly engage in a new online community. Put that mask out there as your avatar, knowing that you can always discard it when it ceases to be useful.

At a more advanced level you might go try participating in some public in-person activity, knowing you can exit that community at any time and return to your solitude. Even if in the worst case scenario they did come to 'hate' you, that ceases to matter once you leave them behind. They'll forget you long before you forget them.

Let yourself feel the despair of failure, and then let yourself see how those feelings do nothing to stop you from living and growing. In fact, growing is ultimately impossible without failure. Focus on your successes, and let your past failures be signposts of your improvement.

Of course none of this is easy, but this is a journey that spans your whole life whether you want it to or not. Every time you gather the strength to engage thoughtfully with it (as you have here!), you plant seeds that you will someday get to enjoy the fruits of.

Support structures are key; DM me if you'd ever like to engage more directly in a dialog.

You want ceramic plates, not steel. Steel plates are cheap, but they can throw slag when hit. Not good for you or nearby friendlies.

So, to be clear this was an application to move to another part of the same company?

I don't know you, but being thin skinned isn't a trait I associate with any form of autism, so I wouldn't worry about that specifically. Misinterpreting things is a bigger possibility - it could just be that the new boss doesn't want big personnel changes right as he's getting his footing. (Would you?)

Except that I don’t know how to deal with it. And I don’t want to deal with it, because it is unfair that what others think and talk about you makes your career more difficult.

Speaking for myself, once I've understood the situation, gamed out every option and picked the one that's best, I find a kind of peace - even if that option is really, really demeaning and hard. I hope you can find something like that too.

A reminder that "dealing with it" doesn't just mean stoicism. Now, I don't have all the details here, and I only have your side of the story, but you can still set boundaries with neurotypical people. If you're successful, you almost by definition are going to have options. Do you want to quit? Maybe even pursue a different career path? Or, is continuing as normal the best option?

Promotion in America is not often skill based. It's how popular and how much someone can "fake" it. From my experience, if your not extremely outgoing and look like you know anything and everything, promote is hard.

Why most bosses are completely useless and don't understand anything.

Yes there's some exceptions but from my experience it's often times that.

If you feel comfortable doing so, you could ask for insight into why your application wasn’t considered. You can try to phrase it around making it a learning moment for you: Can you explain to me why my application wasn’t considered so that I can be better prepared the next time an opportunity arises? The person being asked the question will be less likely to see it was an attack and more of a humble question from a person who values their insight.

Always remember only work for how much pay and benefits you get. Never go beyond as companies will exploit you without promotion or raise.

Your reading of that rejection is spot on! It was immature and unprofessional. You might ask yourself if you wish to remain in such an environment.

To your question; Consider the duck... Imagine the droplets of water on it's back as troubles and difficult situations it's carrying. Then watch as the droplets slip right off.

These situations are not reflections of you, they're just situations in which you happen to be immersed.

You've already taken the first step. You want to.

This is not some thing you can just adopt whenever you want, like putting the plates on the right side of the dishwasher instead of the left. This will require some serious continuous practice.

Basically, to retrain your reaction to things, you must 1. understand why your current/natural reaction is undesirable 2. understand which reaction you think is desireable 3. Repeatedly expose yourself to the situation that triggers your reaction with the main goal to change your reaction.

1. and 2. requires you to continually remind yourself of these beliefs. You will forget when you slip back into your natural reaction.

3. is not easy. You can't just manufacture adversity. It has to be real. It's very easy to have a specific controlled reaction to something fake. So essentially, you just continue as normal, risk things, always keeping in mind that you can face adversity. You mentally prepare yourself for it so you can notice when it happens. "When I start this new job, people might be offended when I tell them I don't want to talk to them. That is fine. I accept that they can be offended, because rejection is not a nice thing to experience, and that is what I do to them. However, I prefer this to having to suffer through their rambling. I know that this will likely cause them to help me less or actively oppose me, and I am fine with that outcome."...

And then you just do it anyway. When your setback happens, you will first feel frustrated. But then eventually you will get a rational moment. See what is happening to you again. And then you can remember what you've been thinking so far. That it's ok for this to happen. That being frustrated by it achieves nothing. And whatever else you figured out with 1. and 2. Each thing you remember should help you let go. Taking deep breaths and other relaxation techniques help with letting go.

And the result should be that you're slightly less frustrated, for a slightly shorter time than you would've been without doing all this. It's still essentially the same strength the first time, but it should be a little less.

And then you have another disappointment. That time, doing the same thing, it should sting even less and for even shorter. And so on and so on.

For me, I'm not sure how long and how many things it took. I know it was quite a few and over quite some years. Now, when I feel this frustration, it's just a slight tinge for a few seconds at most, when I remember what I believe and that I'm fine with this, and then I can already completely let it go. Like others said, it's a completely natural reaction, you might still feel like that. But eventually you're so good at letting go that it takes mere seconds and then you're completely fine.

Do you really know that it wasn't read? Several hours/the next day is enough time to review something.

It sounds like you were told up front that they want to maintain everyone in their current positions. If there isn't any possibility for you to move anyway then getting denied isn't really a reflection of your value or merits as an employee at all so I wouldnt put too much weight into it.

Wish I could help. I can commiserate though. 10 years in the same position without a promotion. Can't get the benefits I've built up elsewhere, feel trapped in a gilded cage.

You are more than your job though, and if other people are assholes, knowingly or not, that doesn't reflect on your worth in any way. It only underscores the fact you don't jive with those kind of people. I'd consider that an accolade of sorts.

"and feel offended if I want to concentrate on my duties instead of talking to them" this sounds like projection to me and its hard for me to shake that assessment.. keeping to yourself is generally navigable and most people understand and accept others' social orientation. are you maybe informed by a singular moment that you're dwelling on? as for being 'on the spectrum' that means vastly different things from one point to the next and if it doesn't complicate the advice people are willing to give to you, it could be a crutch you're imbuing with more dependence than is necessary.

Get enough sleep and take care of yourself.

Everything is easier after that.

The worst problem in this world is that we will all be endlessly told to just work on ourselves and make ourselves better every time we have to deal with cretinous motherfuckers who will never spend a single moment of their life working on self-improvement or being a better person.

Some days I really wish that China's social credit score thing was real, but actually effectively applied at real anti-social people. Like right-wing fucking thugs who chose to cough all over people during COVID because they decided they were smarter than scientists and doctors and it "must be a hoax!"

I wish there was a system to force these people into doing some basic fucking self reflection and choosing to be better.

Genuinely, my entire life has been spent being prosocial and trying very hard to be a good person, and every time I fall apart because I'm surrounded by selfish fucking asshole idiots, it's my job to get the fuck over it, never their job to become better people.

As for you, specifically, a healthy workplace is one that doesn't judge people for being different but instead sees the hard work they do and accepts that every individual has their own needs and can be healthy and productive in the workplace without being just like everybody else. I am so sorry you're experiencing this, because you don't deserve to. Your accomplishments at work should be the measure of whether you matter, not whether you are sociable enough that's just silly.

I’m sorry about the soul-sucking coworkers and the outright rejection. It sounds painful and frustrating. Anyone in your position would be frustrated; it only makes sense!

We can look at your situation from two points of views, and each point of view will reveal things that can help you better deal with this situation.

The first point of view is the external one, the observable behavior, the one you'd notice if someone followed you and your coworkers/managers around with cameras. Looking at your situation from this point of view, it sounds like there could be a broad problem with your company's management. If so, there might be very little that you can do directly. Depending on whether you want to take upon you a massive, perhaps Sisyphean task (pushing a massive boulder up an infinite mountain, with no end in sight), you could check out the management or Agile literature.

By learning what good management looks like, you could be in a better position to accept rough situations, in the same way that understanding how a cold develops could help us accept feeling drained of energy, coughing constantly, and having to self-isolate to avoid spreading the virus. It's not a solution, but it gives perspective. Beyond acceptance, in the unlikely scenario that your company empowers you, you could propose effective changes or implement them. However, I would not count on this.

If you cannot change your company's management, there are alternatives. Let's go from the external point of view to the internal one, your point of view, the point of view that notices emotions, feelings, memories, action impulses, bodily sensations, interpretations, predictions, etc. From this point of view, we can see your frustration, your fear of being thin-skinned, your interpretation of potential rumination. In this other, internal, world of thoughts and emotions, we can't do the same things that we do in the external world. We can't get rid of thoughts. We can't magically transform them.

Others have recommended simply brushing these experiences off, as if they don't affect you. However, humans hurt where they care. Things that hurt you reveal where your values lie. If you hurt when you see injustice, then justice is a value you hold. If you hurt when you see brutal rejection, then inclusion and kindness are values you hold. It's inevitable to feel pain when you value something. It's human. And it explains why you're hurt; something in you that you value was violated by this experience. A good question to discover what you value is "What would I have to not care about for this not to hurt?" Finding out your values helps you get motivated and gives you purpose, even when the going gets tough.

Still others have talked about changing the way you interpret the situation, including doing it by exposure therapy. This can be effective, as it fundamentally is changing the way that you relate to your thoughts and sensations. However, it's important to do it with the right motivation. Otherwise, the exposure itself can backfire and reinforce the wrong schemas. What is the right motivation? Well, why would you find it valuable to continue in this job, despite its painful experiences? Maybe it brings stability to your life. Maybe it finances other projects of yours that you find valuable. It's up to you to decide. If you do find it valuable, then you will be better equipped to push forward even when the going gets tough. I'm not saying this is the only path; again, it's up to you.

Now, as to pragmatic things that you can do in this internal world, I’d argue that the single easiest, low-risk thing that you can do with the most positive impact is doing the Healthy Minds program or something like it. It will teach you to relate to your thoughts in a healthy way, as well as develop better ways of relating with other people and with your everyday actions, including your work. This will help you regardless of the path that you choose. If you're willing to invest more to reap more rewards, you could consider therapy such as Acceptance or Commitment Therapy or Process-Based Therapy.

What I learned about people who seem kind at the first moment and manage to be liked pretty well, are mostly Narzisstic or egocentric people with lack of empathy. They might share empathy for a day to build a first impression but thats it. No real feelings involved.

Generally be cautious with such people and dont fall blind into thinking they are good people just because they make everything to have a good Ego. They are good at being liked and being well recieved, while they will always harm you in some way.