these 2 sentences have me thinking:
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I cannot change what others think about me or do, I can only change how to react to it.
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It’s not my fault, but it is my problem to deal with.
we had a merger and my department met our new manager. He seemed empathetic and approachable, asking us to stay at our current positions and work together.
I've been considering a change for some time because I don't get along with some coworkers, even though most are fine, but these 3 suck the life out of me.
So I sent this new manager an application that was rejected the next day:
"mr. X doesn't want to consider your application."
He didn't even read it. He seemed so approachable and friendly... this line seems specifically written to make me feel bad, or maybe I'm very thin skinned?
An adult would accept it and move on, but I'm so thin skinned I keep ruminating about it. I want to change how I react to this and other setbacks in life, but I feel powerless.
"It’s not my fault, but it is my problem to deal with"
I'm on the spectrum. I can hold a job, pay rent and healthcare, max my 401k..., but some of my coworkers find me robotic and rude and feel offended if I want to concentrate on my duties instead of talking to them, simply because if I don't do my job I'll be fired.
Not all of my coworkers are like this, but some simply don't see that I do the same they do, except gossiping and bantering, which I find a waste of time.
They feel offended because I like to keep to myself.
It is not fair and I hate it, but it is, apparently, my problem to deal with.
Except that I don't know how to deal with it. And I don't want to deal with it, because it is unfair that what others think and talk about you makes your career more difficult.
I didn't expect this post to be this long.
You've already taken the first step. You want to.
This is not some thing you can just adopt whenever you want, like putting the plates on the right side of the dishwasher instead of the left. This will require some serious continuous practice.
Basically, to retrain your reaction to things, you must 1. understand why your current/natural reaction is undesirable 2. understand which reaction you think is desireable 3. Repeatedly expose yourself to the situation that triggers your reaction with the main goal to change your reaction.
1. and 2. requires you to continually remind yourself of these beliefs. You will forget when you slip back into your natural reaction.
3. is not easy. You can't just manufacture adversity. It has to be real. It's very easy to have a specific controlled reaction to something fake. So essentially, you just continue as normal, risk things, always keeping in mind that you can face adversity. You mentally prepare yourself for it so you can notice when it happens. "When I start this new job, people might be offended when I tell them I don't want to talk to them. That is fine. I accept that they can be offended, because rejection is not a nice thing to experience, and that is what I do to them. However, I prefer this to having to suffer through their rambling. I know that this will likely cause them to help me less or actively oppose me, and I am fine with that outcome."...
And then you just do it anyway. When your setback happens, you will first feel frustrated. But then eventually you will get a rational moment. See what is happening to you again. And then you can remember what you've been thinking so far. That it's ok for this to happen. That being frustrated by it achieves nothing. And whatever else you figured out with 1. and 2. Each thing you remember should help you let go. Taking deep breaths and other relaxation techniques help with letting go.
And the result should be that you're slightly less frustrated, for a slightly shorter time than you would've been without doing all this. It's still essentially the same strength the first time, but it should be a little less.
And then you have another disappointment. That time, doing the same thing, it should sting even less and for even shorter. And so on and so on.
For me, I'm not sure how long and how many things it took. I know it was quite a few and over quite some years. Now, when I feel this frustration, it's just a slight tinge for a few seconds at most, when I remember what I believe and that I'm fine with this, and then I can already completely let it go. Like others said, it's a completely natural reaction, you might still feel like that. But eventually you're so good at letting go that it takes mere seconds and then you're completely fine.