this post was submitted on 24 Oct 2024
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It's been a long ol time since I've known any lesbians well enough to ask such things, but I followed my brain down a weird line of inquiry, and got to wondering about the current state of the art for the gay gals. I guess I had always assumed it was similar to the dynamics of a gay guy relationship, but then I realized that since men have both an input and an output, they can choose, but it's mechanically a bit different for cis women. Is there any relationship between that, and the slightly more masculine versus feminine flavors? Asking for a friend, who is me. I want to know. Thanks.

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[–] growsomethinggood@reddthat.com 90 points 1 month ago (2 children)

Hi! Not strictly a lesbian here but in a lesbian relationship. Yes, lesbians have top/bottom dynamics typically in the "one doing the action" vs the "one being acted upon" across various different acts. Most switch it up ("vers"), rather than identifying primarily as tops or bottoms. If you are strictly a top or strictly a bottom, you're described as "stone" as in "stone top" or "stone bottom".

Very important that these are completely different roles than dominant/submissive/switch, which are BDSM terms and describe a more psychological aspect of a relationship than the more physical top/bottom/vers.

[–] stoicmaverick@lemmy.world 28 points 1 month ago (1 children)

I always wondered where Steve Austin got his name from.

[–] teawrecks@sopuli.xyz 3 points 1 month ago (1 children)

I always assumed it was his nickname from when he worked at the creamery.

[–] stoicmaverick@lemmy.world 3 points 1 month ago (1 children)

Nope. Turns out he's just a very inflexible lesbian. Who knew?

I mean looking at him I can see how he's not very flexible...

[–] Zahille7@lemmy.world 8 points 1 month ago

Whatever you say, Stone Cold Growsomethinggood

[–] davel@lemmy.ml 70 points 1 month ago

I suppose this question better than the previous generation’s β€œSo which one of you is the man?”

[–] Repelle@lemmy.world 42 points 1 month ago (1 children)

I’m very much a lesbian and can confirm we are flatlanders. I get left and right, front and back, but top and bottom? Completely foreign concepts.

Seriously though. It seems to me very popular among young lesbians to talk about tops and bottoms, but I’m a bit older (around 40) and that was never really a thing for me or the people around me.

[–] stoicmaverick@lemmy.world 26 points 1 month ago (2 children)

Fascinating. Are you able to rotate axially parallel to your allowed dimensions of travel, or does this require some degree of bi-curiosity to accomplish?

[–] gondwana@feddit.org 17 points 1 month ago (1 children)

I read this in Mr. Spock's voice.

[–] frozenpopsicle@lemmy.dbzer0.com 9 points 1 month ago (1 children)

This is awesome! I am adding in bridge sci-fi noises. Data also works.

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[–] Repelle@lemmy.world 17 points 1 month ago

I can no more do this than you can freely move through a fourth spatial dimension

[–] captainlezbian@lemmy.world 40 points 1 month ago (1 children)

Kinda? It kinda permeated in through gay men, trans lesbians, and the kink community and developed a meaning of active partner with a dominant implication. So for example if I go down on my girlfriend before she returns the favor, it probably wouldn’t be called topping. But if I’m three fingers into a pillow princess as she calls me β€œMiss” you bet your ass that was topping. So it’s definitely more vibes based as versatility is assumed unless otherwise specified (and not being versatile is kinda rare)

It also can refer to who’s wearing the strap at the moment.

[–] stoicmaverick@lemmy.world 11 points 1 month ago (2 children)

Cool. God I love the nomenclature so much. I think I'm just jealous, because we don't really have any fun terminology over here in Straight Vanilla Land. Explain Pillow Princess immediately.

Also, while I have you: can you put into words the appeal of a strap-on in a lesbian relationship/encounter? I'm all for it, but It just seems like more work to achieve what you could using your hands, and neither party is usually into dicks anyway. Is it a Dom thing? Better cardio workout?

[–] captainlezbian@lemmy.world 10 points 1 month ago (1 children)

Yeah it comes from not having a default script to follow. A pillow princess is a woman, usually femme, who exclusively fills the receptive role in sex with women.

As the old saying goes: it’s not penises we aren’t attracted to but the dicks they tend to be attached to. Less hostly said though, it’s that the sensation feels good, and it’s completely unrelated to men. In fact I usually forget that straight people don’t tend to see them as unrelated to men as we often do.

[–] stoicmaverick@lemmy.world 5 points 1 month ago

The concept of the dildo makes perfect sense. I even buy the premise that a cock shaped fake cock would feel good given the original design specs of Mk.1 Human Vagangus. It's just that thrusting from the hips is hard work, and while it's a fantastic butt and ab workout, if i could get the same pleasure from a hand mounted penis, I would be constantly dehydrated. Is it more of an emotional or connection thing than a pragmatic choice?

[–] macgyver@federation.red 10 points 1 month ago (2 children)

Straight Pillow Princesses exist lol

[–] stoicmaverick@lemmy.world 9 points 1 month ago (1 children)
[–] janus2@lemmy.zip 5 points 1 month ago

first time seing a Galaxy Quest gif. 10/10

[–] Xyre@lemmus.org 8 points 1 month ago (2 children)

I've always heard them referred to as starfish

[–] ChexMax@lemmy.world 8 points 1 month ago (1 children)

I think the difference is that starfish just lie there, spread out, not really participating, and a pillow princess participates with words and moans, and their hands are roaming, and they're I think usually good receivers they just don't get on top and take a turn at the work part. They do motivate their partner to continue pleasing them though.

[–] stoicmaverick@lemmy.world 5 points 1 month ago

Sounds like everyone I know at work.

[–] macgyver@federation.red 5 points 1 month ago

That’s fair, but I learned the term from a bi girl so makes sense

[–] bjoern_tantau@swg-empire.de 31 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago) (1 children)

A lesbian couple on Twitch got asked who the top and who the bottom was. They said they switched.

No idea what that means mechanically.

[–] half_built_pyramids@lemmy.world 72 points 1 month ago (3 children)

Probably like a Nintendo Switch

[–] bjoern_tantau@swg-empire.de 18 points 1 month ago

No, at that time they didn't have a Nintendo Switch yet. A PS5 for Baldur's Gate 3 was their first console.

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[–] 5714@lemmy.dbzer0.com 17 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago) (1 children)

You might want to differentiate between Top, Bottom, Switch and Top, Bottom, Versatile, i.e. BDSM vs penetration positions.

I'd also say that this is less about physiology and more about the individual acceptance of the concept of position.

Top, Bottom, Versatile is not necessarily a queer thing, since (cis&trans) heterosex can have positions as well. That is to say, not all queer relationships regardless of gender follow the concept of position.

[–] stoicmaverick@lemmy.world 6 points 1 month ago

It's not just a position thing. It's just that everyone exists either left or right of the center on the spectrum of 'mostly giver vs mostly receiver/passive' spectrum. The gay male community has taken to the terms of Top and Bottom to articulate ones usual preferences, and I was just curious if lesbians had come up with a similar canvas, or if it just doesn't come up as much with them as it does for guys.

[–] southsamurai@sh.itjust.works 16 points 1 month ago

Anecdotes okay? If so, read on.

So, I'm cishetero, but have been involved with gay culture in specific, and broader LGBTQ+ culture generally. I was also a beard multiple times over the years, including for a lesbian couple that ended up being a bit more intimate.

But, yeah, there's definitely dynamics with lesbians akin to top and bottom. Afaik, the terminology isn't used often for lesbians, but it's there in that regard too. Back in my younger days, an exclusively "top" lesbian was sometimes called a butch, whether or not they were butch in the more common sense if presenting in a more "masculine" manner. And, that was true of "bottom" lesbians being referred to as femme, even when they presented masculine.

Mind you, there was predominance of butch lesbians being tops in a sexual sense compared to being bottoms. It was fairly unusual to run into the stereotypical butch lesbian and have them not also want to be the more active partner, and even to the extent of not wanting any sexual acts being performed on them at all. By no means a universal thing, but it was common enough that people would be surprised when a butch lesbian wanted to receive head.

Being masculine presenting or feminine presenting isn't a reliable predictor of sexual dynamics, but it's not far off from reliable in my experience. Men and women, not just women. I'd say 8/10, the closer to a generic "masculine"presentation a person is, they're a top in the bedroom. Mind you, that's based on people willing to talk about such things fairly casually, which could leave out a ton of people that aren't that way, but just don't like talking about their sex lives in a group at work or party or other gathering.

The best lesbian friend I've ever had, that literally saved my life at least twice, was butch as hell. Flannels, boots, truck, went hunting, and mirrored male mannerisms with zero effort. But she was most definitely a bottom sexually. She would complain like hell that everyone wanted her to do all the work, every time, and all she wanted was some hot making out where the other woman was in charge, followed by "my pussy getting ate like a fat kid at a pie eating contest". She didn't mind reciprocating, but what made her most happy, most satisfied was being "bottom" in a sexual sense. But, being butch as hell, the women into her tended to assume she was going to be in control and be the active partner exclusively.

It seemed to me that the butch lesbians had a harder time with being stereotyped sexually than the femme/lipstick lesbians. It wasn't as big a surprise to people when a feminine presenting lesbian wanted to be the more active party, or to be in charge even from the bottom. Power bottom lesbians exist in the same way laid back tops do, though a bit more frequently from what I've seen and heard.

[–] janus2@lemmy.zip 13 points 1 month ago

the top is the one who has to go get the electrolyte water from the fridge when you're both out of breath

[–] Alk@sh.itjust.works 12 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago) (1 children)

I've seen people (lesbians) talk about it, so I'm leaning toward "yes they can but not always", but I cannot give an authoritative answer as I am not a lesbian.

[–] stoicmaverick@lemmy.world 4 points 1 month ago

I don't think you can give a authoritative answer unless you personally are 'all' of the lesbians.

[–] Vibi@lemmy.blahaj.zone 12 points 1 month ago (1 children)

You'll find that in queer culture, there's not just top/bottom but a wide spectrum to define or describe preferences; I'm sure this all also applies to the BDSM world as well. There's a variety of tops and bottoms and preferences like Bambi lesbians who don't want sexual dynamics beyond cuddling and kissing.

[–] stoicmaverick@lemmy.world 5 points 1 month ago (7 children)

Ya, but why is everyone jumping to BDSM? That's not what I asked. I've never heard the term before, but I feel like "Bambi lesbian" is kinda reinventing the wheel for the sake of a cute name. Isn't that just a romantic asexual with a gay modifier?

[–] psycotica0@lemmy.ca 10 points 1 month ago (1 children)

I think the reason people are jumping to BDSM community terms is because BDSM people fucking love terms. They've got taxonomy for days, and they live to whip it out, so to speak.

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[–] Repelle@lemmy.world 3 points 1 month ago

Bambi is an old term, older than me. It predates descriptions like homoromantic asexual, so not reinventing the wheel at all

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[–] eestileib@sh.itjust.works 11 points 1 month ago (1 children)

I think in the second half you're asking whether butches are more likely to be toppy and femmes are more likely to be bottomy.

I think there's probably some positive correlation there but butchness and toppiness are distinct concepts.

[–] stoicmaverick@lemmy.world 5 points 1 month ago

Things about this post:

  1. It's concise, and address the initial post
  2. I've never heard the terms 'toppy' or 'femme' used in this way, but I'm happy that I have now.
  3. Is 'Butch' PC these days? I'm old and can't keep track.
  4. It has the feeling of being written by a professional Lesbian scientist on their lunch break at work.
  5. I love it.
[–] communism@lemmy.ml 10 points 1 month ago

Yes, but less so than with gay men. A lot of lesbians won't identify as either, since penetrative sex is not super common with lesbians, but there are also some lesbians with a strong preference to either penetrate or be penetrated and not the other way round.

[–] artichokecustard@lemmy.world 9 points 1 month ago (1 children)

what's a power bottom in lesbian?

[–] Vendetta9076@sh.itjust.works 12 points 1 month ago (3 children)

They generate all the power during scissoring.

The very real thing that lesbians do.

Daedalus threw his cousin off of a roof for inventing scissors, but jokes on him, lesbians invented power scissoring

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[–] cheese_greater@lemmy.world 3 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago) (1 children)
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