Asklemmy

Okay, I know that this will sound silly, but I'll use my cat as an example.

She does nothing but sleep, eat, shit. She's rather defensive of her personal space, and often hurts us for that. 3AM she woke me up with loud noises because she wanted to play. The floor, my clothes, my keyboard, there's cat hair everywhere, and without her I'd probably need to clean a fraction of what I do.

Would I get rid of her? FUCK NO. Because even if she's annoying, I still love her and I want her around. It would be certainly better if I didn't get those annoyances but hey, nobody is perfect. And she gives me happiness on the small things, like when she headbutts my leg or "mrrown-wown?" at me.

It's perfectly possible that you are in a similar situation as my cat. Except that, as a human being, you understand that you're hurting people, and you can reflect on your behaviour and change it for the best of the ones around you. But it's still perfectly possible that you're underestimating the positive impact that you have in their lives. And at the end of the day, we all are like this, our social interactions are usually a mix of positive and negative.

I tend to be very logical in questions like this. So do you think you killing yourself would hurt the people you love less than you, for exemple, trying to improve with some mental health medication or therapy? I used to be a horrible person (really) and than I decided that I would either finish it or try. So I started a medication and now I'm a better person. I mended relationships that I had ruined, and have an amazing relationship with my family. Even my professional life improved a lot.

I reject the premise of your question. Human judgment is inherently biased and cannot be implicitly trusted. I believe it is likely that you hurt people from time to time, as everyone causes such pain and injury from time to time. However, I distrust the idea that you cause nothing but pain. An absolute conclusion like that would require absolute, unequivocal, objective evidence to prove, and I have zero reason to suspect you are some sort of omnipotent being capable of acquiring such evidence.

The most likely conclusion from the available evidence is that your ability to recognize your own value is somehow compromised. A rational course of action when you cannot trust your own senses is to reject those senses. If you can't trust yourself to fairly evaluate your own actions, you can reverse the process. Identify an action that does not cause harm, but rather, helps someone, somewhere.

For this exercise, it is important that the action be small. The smaller the better. You aren't trying to save the world here; you are trying to recalibrate your ability to recognize the value of your actions. Any idiot can see the "good" in saving a baby from being torn apart by a rabid dog. Not everyone can see the good in picking up a piece of litter. Not everyone can see the good in kicking a rock off a sidewalk, so a kid doesn't trip on it. Not everyone can see the good in pushing in a chair, or wiping the water off the counter in a public bathroom.

Go perform a tiny, objectively good act, right now. The smaller the better. The least significant act you can possibly imagine.

One of two things will happen: either you will see the tiny, positive value in that act and recognize that you don't just cause harm; or you will not see that act as "good" (or "good enough") and you will objectively know that your sense of personal value is not properly calibrated.

It's really easy to think that you're a burden because of x, y, or z when, in reality, the people around you don't notice or care about x, y, or z.

It's also possible that the people around you are actually burdening you by ignoring your needs, and you happen to feel guilty because you're being manipulated.

If you have undeniable proof that you hurt other people significantly, and a random stranger would agree that there's no justification for the harm you caused, then see a psychiatrist. It seems to me that you have good intentions but have something that's stopping you from being your true self. A psychiatrist and/or a therapist can help you remove those barriers.

Suicide devastates a lot more people than you realize, so if you want to do it for other people, you shouldn't do it at all. If you want to do it for yourself, I think you should give yourself another shot by starting meds and seeing a therapist. It's wild how much of a difference it makes.

If you want more info on mental healthcare, check out HealthyGamer/Dr. K on YouTube and Twitch. His medical input is US-centric, but he's a really good resource.

Purely philosophically, that something happens/exists doesn't mean we have to do anything about it. I'm sure that's not helpful, but like...there's optimistic nihilism.

Optimistic nihilism views the belief that there is no underlying meaning to life from a perspective of hope. It’s not that we’re doomed to live in a meaningless universe--it’s that we get the chance to experience ourselves and the universe we share.

So, you hurt people. Okay. Do what you can to genuinely apologize and make amends. And if that means confronting yourself about how you perpetuate a cycle of hurting others and shaming yourself for it, then do that to break the cycle.

Because if you just so happen to be a joy to everyone around you, then why shouldn't you just live for as long as you can to share that joy?

Because, looking ahead 2 or more years, you might be in a completely different head space. Time has a strange way of completely changing your life for the better. Stick it out and look forward to the future

Because there is the possibility of learning to live in a way where you aren’t hurting them.

Because that act will only serve to hurt the people you love further, and it cannot be undone. Dying is easy, living is hard.

May I ask in what way you think you've hurt others? Hopefully they know you are as human as they are.

Withers, is that you?

Your life is valuable as well. And you can live it without hurting anyone.

Step one - stop doing it. If you are hurting someone, move as far away from them as you can. Yes you will lose them, but that's inevitable.

Step two - create a new life for yourself, away from any people or situations that caused problems before.