this post was submitted on 13 Sep 2023
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Polyamory. I knew a lot of people didn't understand, but the visceral disgust at the idea that a lot of people have is surprising.
Well, granted my sample size is extremely small, but I've only ever known 2 polyamorous groups of people well enough to visit their home. And in both cases, there was always 1 person who wasn't as happy as the other two and was tolerating the scenario due to pressure from the person they considered their 'significant other'.
The dynamic was: A & B would be considered spouses to each other, A wants to bring in additional person C and create a trio under the banner of "polyamory" and B consents (because they are willing to accommodate anything A wants to make A happy). So person C enters the relationship and they form a polyamorous-trio, but instead of it being a true trio, it's more like A & B still have their relationship (now burdened) and A & C have a relationship, but B & C don't engage much. This is the exact scenario I have witnessed in the only 2 households I've ever known doing it.
That's given me the impression that arrangements like that usually serve the needs of one or two people but often leave at least one party secretly unhappy. Maybe if more people actually witnessed polyamory working as it's been proclaimed, there would be higher opinions of arrangements like that. But I sure haven't seen it - my current conclusion is that it's just not within the bounds of human nature for this kind of relationship to work.
I think they can work, the problem tends to be people going into it not realizing that it's more demanding than monogamy, one person feeling pressured into it especially when the relationship started as monogamous, and/or it being done as an attempt to "fix" a relationship that clearly isn't working out, the latter of which happened with someone I know.
My belief that they can work will be the day I actually see one that works. The score is still zero for two so far.
I've known quite a few people/groups that are poly and I dated someone who was poly for a while too. I did it because I didn't feel like I had to deal with 100% of my partner because that would have crushed me.
My info is purely anecdotal but two super common threads that kept on appearing is there were people who were poly, but were never actually poly and just said it because their partner wanted to be so they said they were too and that the people who were super committed to poly all were trying to fill a gap in their lives and had a lot of insecurities in general.
Most hated the idea of ever being alone, not just in 'a relationship' but actually just being by themselves.
I think there's a bit of thing where the less toxic the people, the more discreet they tend to be. I certainly wouldn't let anyone who had only visited my house a handful of times know I'm poly. That's only something people I would call friends would know. I also have pretty strong boundaries around not having secondary partners who aren't specifically looking to be a secondary partner (usually because they already have a nesting partner themselves).
It's also one of those things where most of the people I interact with IRL are all cool chill and reasonable people and then I go to nearly any online space and everyone is freaking insane with really toxic dynamics.
I think this point about being discreet is huge. My husband and have been open/poly for a decade (ie from the start). We donβt keep it a secret by any means, but most people I know have no idea β it just doesnβt come up in conversation very often.
We had a very bizarre situation recently where one of my closest friends saw my husband holding hands with his girlfriend at the beach. She texted me frantically, saying she just wants to support me and is here if I need her and she hoped she was doing the right thing by telling me. It was pretty trippy to tell this friend who is close enough to know super specific details about very private parts of my life βoh cool thanks but itβs chill.β
Non-monogamy isnβt for everyone, but itβs for a lot more people than you might think.
Yeah, this is my dynamic as well. My partner and I have been together for a decade and poly from the beginning. It's not at all a secret, but people are so used to monogamy as a norm that they often just think our other partners are super close friends that hang out at our house a lot.
I wouldn't say that I'm discreet, but I don't make a point of telling people about it or anything. It eventually comes up in conversation naturally as I'm getting to know people. If I talk to you about my personal life, it's gonna come up.
I've been in poly relationships most of my adult life, around 15 years now. I'm certainly familiar with the type of relationship you describe, but the long term, stable poly relationships are the ones that have been poly from the get go.
I don't tend to date people who are "opening things up" in a previously monogamous relationship, because being someone's learning experience is a bummer.
My wife has has a boyfriend for more than five years. I'm not attracted to him like she is, but nobody is unhappy in or about our arrangement. We met each other really young, and it stuck. But neither of us wants to have only one great romance in our lives. It really is what works for us.
That is the most succinct, eloquent, and compelling statement in this entire thread.
Have you also had your own distinct romantic relationships with others since being married, or is that not something you are interested in?
It's something I'm actively pursuing. I really had to transition first before it was a realistic option. Now it feels almost inevitable. I rock a manic pixie moon child look and vibe working at a busy dispensary. I just have to let RNGesus do her terrible work and stay vigilant.
A "V" is a perfectly legitimate arrangement. In fact, those who demands the two other sides of the V to have any kind of relationship, even mere friendship, are considered toxic. And living together is forcing the issue.
Would you consider it a perfectly legitimate arrangement if one end of the "V" resents it and is unhappy? Because that's the only way I've ever seen a polyamorous arrangement working in practice (and as I said earlier, I've only seen two, and both were like that).
Iβm on one end of a V and super happy with the arrangement (the βprimaryβ end, so the one most likely to harbor resentment). The other end of the V is too. And so is the middle lol.
Actually now that I think about it itβs actually a W. The other side of the V is in another V with her primary.
A resentful V is unhealthy and not going to end well, but there are plenty of happy functional Vs around.
Although I am not interested in doing it myself, I consider myself a student of psychology and sociology and am very curious. I hope I have the privilege of meeting a success-case such as yourself in person, who's not shy about discussing it candidly, because I have a lot of curiosity about it and how it works.
I'm glad it's working for you. If you don't mind me asking, how long have you been participating in this relationship, do all 3 live together or separately, and have you always been an end or have you also been the middle of the V?
My husband and I have been together for 10 years. He currently has a girlfriend heβs been seeing about 6 months. She lives with her husband (who also has a secondary partner) and two children. I have dated a bit but am not currently interested in anything outside our marriage. We also had a relationship a while ago where a close friend of mine had a purely sexual relationship with my husband for a little while, and for the next three years, we went through periods of being a triangle, a V, all just friends, she lived with us for a bit. She moved across the country and now is in a monogamous relationship, and we are all good friends. The most drama that has ever happened is that a guy I was into slept with a girl my husband had slept with. That kinda sucked. Thankfully I had my husband to cheer me up.
Not the person you're asking, but given your categorical prior assertions, I cannot help imagining a mocking tone in your question.
Not sure how you are misingerpreting what I've said, but you are way off here. My previous experiences (don't know how you got 'assertions') are based on an already disclosed small sample size.
I have no judgments and no expectations but I am genuinely curious to learn more about the psycologies and dynamics involved, because it's completely foreign to me. Are you confusing me with another poster?
Something you should work on.
That's just called cheating, not polyarmory.
Mind you, I've been in this setup you describe for a long time. My previous partner had female partners on top of me after ~7 years of only having me, and while I was friends with some of the women - good friends with one, even - I wasn't ever "close" to most of them. Worked perfectly fine for me.
And this wasn't a short thing either, we were together for ~10 years after that point, and the longest "third" partner was for 6 years.
The trick is to make sure neither end of the "V" know about each other
/s
That is in fact common, but would also not result in "moving in" or "forming a polyamorous trio". That's exactly not the point, it's just one person having two relationships and - hopefully - each of the partners is fine with not having 100% of their partner. Which many people actively enjoy mind you, not spending all the time sitting on top of one another.
In fact I would say that from all the poly couples I've know over the years, very few are trouples and want to move in together.
I just donβt get it. Having a relationship with one person is hard work (anyone that says otherwise is either very lucky or their partner is making all the effort). Why on earth would you want to make your life even more difficult?
For some of us at some times in our lives, having a relationship with two people is less work. It requires much more communication, better scheduling, and much more attention to your partners' feelings ... but that might be a good investment of time anyhow, and often gets overlooked.
I find that having multiple partners helps me appreciate each partner much more, for themselves -- it's easy to mix up how much you love just having a partner and being loved, with how you actually feel about that person. Poly gives you the distance and contrast to see your partners clearly, and that can be really special.
Iβve never been polyamorous but I have been a player before and a period during which I had lots and lots of casual sex with lots of different women actually gave me a better appreciation of women as individuals.
Thereβs something about not having one person be your everything that allows them to be a real person instead of a symbol.
Yeah that's indeed something. I had a sex partner on top of my romantic partner for a few years, and that worked okay - since you only meet for shagging - but wow would two romantic partners be too much for me. Still, I was perfectly fine with my romantic partner also having another partner in addition to me. They could handle it fine!
Tbh, my wife and I have been together for so long and through so much that is has become easy. We've been together more than fifteen years, and both of us consider our childhoods of abuse to be the hardest periods of our lives. We know and trust each other deeply and implicitly. She's had an increasingly serious second partner for more than five years now, and it's become pretty easy. I'm casually looking for a boyfriend, and she's excited for me. It's the foundational strength of our relationship that makes this lifestyle possible. We've built a big, full life together, and we have enough love and space in our lives to share <3
"Or their partner is making all the effort"
OR their partners aren't super needy and insecure ;)
Is it really surprising? Monogamy has been essentially socially enforced for millenia at this point.
In some cultures only.
Perhaps the ones where people feel viscerally disgusted by its alternatives.
In most. And effectively all of any serious size.
Yeah but if you see monogamy as bad and immoral and try to explain why ... somehow I expected at least some understanding. I thought other people were afraid to say what they really think.
Edit: it was a while ago, I was young and naive
I've been in poly relationships for years. They work really well for me and my significant others, but we are pretty discreet about it because folks tend to be huge assholes about it.
Generally, you don't see the poly relationships that work great; mostly, people see the type of scenario one of your other commenters described because the stable relationships are less visible.
This is so strange to me. Not the polyamory, the weird hate of it. I'm in a monogamous relationship and polyamory just doesn't appeal to me. But I don't really give a shit about what other people do or who they fuck as long as it's consentual.
To me it always feels as if people are just loudly signaling their own unhappiness in their existing relationship when they hate on polyamory. It's a weird form of surpressed and internalized envy.
No hate from me but two is almost too many people for me. I love my SO, I just have a really hard time being around anyone for any length of time. Different strokes for different folks.
I've not met many poly groups but my experience was strained. First time meeting these people and the only thing they spoke about was them being poly and how much sex they were having. It was a bit odd for a first meeting with strangers. Not usual dinner conversation I felt.
Yeah, the polycules I've met have all been hot messes that caused a lot of pain for everyone involved (and adjacent). At least a few have this attitude of "Monogamous people are prudes and need to open up, polyamory is HoW hUmAnS sHoUlD lIvE". Maybe it's just bad luck, but as a result I generally keep a bit more distance with my poly friends.