Asklemmy

I love it when the stars align on my feed

“Are you awake?”

I like to play a game where I try to ask in the worst way that will get a yes.

Current high score: "I want to kiss and hug you naked squishy-style".

The wife has a penchant for taking off her underwear and throwing them as hard as she can at me. They are light, so I don’t mind.

we just get a bit more handsy than usual and make sexy eyes at each other, it works well

We've been together 16 years, married for 14, and we are like two teenagers who have been left alone by an inattentive parent or teacher. If we are in arm's reach we are touching each other, if nobody is looking, we are making out, if the door is locked, we're either undressed or we're working on it.

With Frank's quote from It's Always Sunny and Philadephia

I got my magnum condoms and a wad of hundreds; I'm ready to plow!

"Hungry? Would you like some sausage? I have cheese sausage for you" (Never works but it's funny)

"Got two minutes" (works more often than you'd think but it's normally expected to only be 2-5 minutes)

"What are you up to tonight? Do you want to come over to my side of the bed?" *wink (after having a king size bed I will NEVER go back)

We send each other a squirrel emoji via text

Married. A look, even indirect, is enough for her to know exactly what I think about. It's scary when she asks me if I'm hungry before I realized that I was (must have been passingly looking over to the kitchen/snacks without even realizing it). If i look at her boobs for 2 seconds she knows, even while looking in another direction/at a phone. It's kind of scary. I guess I am really obvious without knowing it. I do sometimes wonder if she can read my mind.

"I'm kinda horny"

"Should we bone tonight?"

"When do you wanna have sex"

"Hold on let me brush my teeth"

These area a few of our regulars!

If I'm conscious I want to have sex. If I'm not conscious, wake me up.

I gave up asking, but when she’s down it’s a straight forward „wanna have sex?“

"You want to bang?"

"Is it bang time?"

Any number of variations with "bang" included.

me: "i want to have sex"

them: "considered done"

“My love, I would like to make the sex on you!”

A little context behind my answer.

Among my friends, we have this weird but I guess clever safe word tradition. So you know how, when someone is dreaming, if they question the dream (e.g. saying "this is a dream" or "this must be a dream"), they wake up? We decided to use that as a "quitting word" for everything. If we're making a YouTube video and we say "this is a dream", for example, it's the secret cue to cut the movie. If we're playing some kind of role and we say the phrase, it means come back to base reality. So on and so forth. And while none of us are very sexually-minded, sex we decided would be no different. If we were to have sex, a phrase like "this must be a dream" would mean to stop the session.

So then it was asked one day, how do we do the opposite? How do we cue a session of sex, video-making, etc. to start? We say the opposite. We signal immersion with something like "where are we, is this real". That is our unsafe phrase. Different nonverbal circumstances/signals would cue what exactly we refer to.

I do a little dance.

He literally texts me "🍆?". Hahah.

We say do you wanna cuddle or do you want a massage or do you wanna lay down and listen to music. Sex usually comes after. Not always, but if not then you still have a cuddle

There’s no talking involved. Just a very incessant making out, groping and undressing with the other either pushing away or giving in.
It’s a very nonverbal kind of thing but it works for us :)

It varies. Today it was "do you want some cream filling?"

I call her cute.

Because she's an adorable little sub.

Doesn't translate well, but "I want to hump your rump" or "I wanna abuse you moose" gives you an idea. Something silly that rimes means sex.

Ken Jeong’s line from The Hangover: “You want to fuck on me?!?”

Can you move the cats?

the safe word is banana