First off, I’m fine, I’m in a good place, safe, etc. This is just kinda stream of consciousness, so sorry in advance.
I’ve lived my life a long time with a sense of fatalism that bordered suicidal, and I’ve lived a crazy life. Got kicked out young, was into crypto in the early 2010’s but didn’t have enough capital to do anything interesting, couch surfed, homeless shelters, all kinds of stuff. People would ask me if I had any regrets and I legitimately never did.
Now, I have lots of regrets…
I regret being stagnant basically since puberty, living like some Punk Rock Peter Pan, drinking every day for decades, doing nothing but playing video games and smoking weed and blasting myself into some other life any way I could. I existed like an astral projection of myself, too apathetic to brush my teeth or do anything productive with my body. Workout goals never resonated with me, so I never did that either.
I have the general regret I didn’t come out to myself sooner, but I find that wholly unproductive, so I don’t entertain it, but these other regrets, they are making the tapestry of the game plan to get myself back on track and i don’t have the luxury to ignore it.
I’m making great progress, counting my calorie intake, being active, practicing mindfulness, but the more I do and feel better about myself, the more that regret nags at me.
It Just kinda dawned on me while I was sitting here, I’m actually afraid to die now, made me think about what else had changed when I realized I regret so much now, and it didn’t make me who I was anymore than the trauma or anything else, and now I feel brain fucked.
I dunno what the call to action is here, any of y’all relate or have anything to say?
I went through a very similar situation which I think is very common for transgender people. You were going through a very deep depression and you faced down death and learned not to fear it.
When people tell me that I'm brave for coming out, I like to use the analogy of a protagonist in a horror movie having to do something really scary and terrible to escape from the killer. In a way, it's not really that brave because there's not really any choice, because the choice is do the hard thing or die. Anyone would do the hard thing in that situation.
When I decided to do the hard thing rather than face death, I had been drinking myself to death, playing video games every free second of every day. Anything to distract myself from my depression. You're not alone in feeling that way, but I'm glad you've done the hard thing and come out the other side. You've done something that many depressed people fail to do -- confront your demons, improve your life, and live well.