this post was submitted on 19 Aug 2023
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Something I worry about, but haven't seen anyone mention yet, is that a long-after-the-fact apology seems a little self-serving. I'm the one who feels bad, so I'm going to bring something up again hoping that I feel better about the situation afterwards.
There are people I didn't treat very well when I was young. When I think about reaching out to apologize I imagine the interaction ending with me feeling better and them feeling shitty again.
Reading this thread, however, it doesn't look like that's how this usually goes. So, maybe I should rethink it.
I think it can depend. In many cases people move on from things and they probably arenβt thinking about it, but if they still feel affected then it might be meaningful to them to have it acknowledged.
Give it a rethink. Yes it's true that you are the one feeling bad, but sometimes you worry more about how the other person could feel. Sometimes an apology can help bring closure to someone. But you are right, it may not.
I agree with you. In my case, I waited until a person I had wronged 30 years before reached out to me on facebook. Her contact gave me the opening to apologize. She claimed to have forgotten the incident, but I don't think that was true (for complicated reasons). But she accepted my apology.
We became close again for a while, but then she quit returning my calls and I let her be. At least I got to make my peace.
I think I would hate if anyone apologised to me for how they treated me in school, of course I'd have to pretend that it's ok and accept their apology, act like we're friends now or something and wish them the best...
Then I'd go and be depressed about it, feel humiliated and annoyed. Probably anxious and uncomfortable too because they'll be telling people 'hey remember that kid we used to bully, I saw him and apologised' maybe they'll even make a social media post to highlight how great that are now and it's all ok because they waved their magic word wand and fixed all the compounded psychological issues they caused...
I don't think you should feel bad for keeping it to yourself, it's not going to fix anything so what would be the point?
Well, everyone is different so if this is how you would feel about a bully apologizing, I'm sure others also think the same. But I think you are wrong to presume everyone would feel the same way you do. How can you be so sure it's not going to fix anything for someone else? I recommend you read some of those who actually got an apology.
I also wouldn't be so sure the ex bully would go around posting on social media this kind of stuff. Apologizing is hard already, I would squirm in shame if I was to admit on Facebook or Instagram that I bullied someone. Sounds embarrassing af even if the post is about the apology. It works on anonymous sites as Lemmy or Reddit though.