Alright, so, something I've been talking about with my therapist a lot, but I thoughts folks out here could have interesting povs.
To sum it up, I'm constantly trying to act like a saint (figuratively, I'm an atheist). There's one exception to this, people holding power and making others miserable in any way.
But basically, you know, this whole mentality of banishing anger, jealousy, egoism, selfishness, greed, desire for power and authority and all that? That's me.
I don't mean I manage to do so constantly, but that's what I strive for.
One could think, and I did think, it was a desire for social praise. But really, when I get praised, which happen a lot, I don't care and that's more awkward that anything (like : woa dude, it's not the Oscars or something, chill out). And little by little, I started to think it didn't have much to do with being praised, that's just striving to live as I think it's better to live. To live a life I'll me content with when the grim reaper will come and all praises won't mean anything anymore.
My therapist thinks it's not really an issue as long as it doesn't cause myself pain (which it does because I'm deaf to my own needs 50% of the times).
But I don't see a satisfying way to live apart from that.
One potential misinterpretation I'd like to prevent. It's a very strong drive, but it doesn't make me blind. It really doesn't happen a lot but whenever I'm angry, I'm not feeling guilty. I know why I feel this, it's just that I didn't have any other way to manage a situation/feeling. I'll just strive to do better next time by trying to modify the situation so that anger will not be the most probable answer.
Do you find it weird? Anyone adopting this kind of behavior? Maybe everyone does. It may sound a bit megalomaniac, like hey I'm exceptional, but it really isn't what I mean. To my own eyes, I'm not a bad or a good person. I'm just trying to be what I want. If somebody tries to be someone different, it's all fine by me.
TL;DR : Is having high moral standards for one's self weird or toxic? Does my message actually sound megalomaniac?
Perfection is exhausting. I struggle with it. My brain tells me that if I'm not the perfect friend or know the right things no one will like me. It has consumed my life so far and has lead me to make very bad and disastrous choices.
More than that though, it's boring. I am so tired of spending my life trying to figure out what the right action is. I would much rather have fun with friends or rewarding sex or find an interesting personal project to work on.
But.. There wouldn't be any contradiction between trying your best to do the right thing and rewarding sex/finding a projets you're passionate about. Or is there?
There is a difference between trying to do the right thing and doing nothing because it's not perfect. I tend to let perfect lead me to inaction or passivity far too often at the cost of my own interests.
I've taken to trying to do things good enough rather than right and it's helped a lot
Ah, yes you're right. And I think I feel the same. I can strive for perfection and know the best I can do is the best solution within my reach. Then, well, that's the way to go.