Asklemmy

I started having much better relationships once I broke free of the typical "social circle" phenomenon.

I've held onto a couple people from both of the two initial groups I found myself in, that I really connected with. But both groups had one thing in common. They were DOMINATED, by a single central narcissist. They had unspoken final say in everything. I'm not at all compatible with those types of people. I never got my say in. Ever. I got walked all over, again and again.

Since getting out of that way of forming relationships, I've learned to make myself the centre. My friends don't need to know each other, unless they genuinely like each other. No more hanging out where each person is there only because they like some subset of the group.

Instead of an interconnected web, my circle of friends is composed of independent satellites, few of which ever meet.

If a relationship isn't worth it, I end it as respectfully as I can. But if I meet someone that makes me feel interest, or even more, I HOLD ON FOR DEAR LIFE. I make it clear how I feel, that I do not want the relationship to end anytime soon. Once that trust is established, that neither will just ghost the other, I take my time getting to know them properly. As for how to do that, its just practice. And with the right person, you can just tell them your bad at it, and to give you some slack. Perhaps even teach you.

As for where to start, anywhere works. But preferably you'd want to establish some baseline amount of commitment as soon as possible. So you don't need to feel that fear of having the ground disappear. Hobbies are often suggested, as they sort of do that for you. If someone is into doing something, chances are, they'll continue. That keeps the encounters coming, and lets you spend time together for the friendship to develop.

Doing the same online is difficult, because finding that commitment is trickier. The friends I've made online are sorta coincidental, I've found them by frequenting the same servers in a game, participating in the same discussions in a discord server. etc.

When it comes to lust, shit, I struggled with that for years. I have a fear of touch, but that didn't make my libido any lesser. For me the solution was just to finally go get laid. There was no easy way for me to do that, but at some point something in me snapped and the only way I can describe it, is "I just found someone willing, and got it over with". It wasn't good, but it did help me. The horniness definitely made me weird, and in a way that it was impossible for me un-weird myself on my own. Maybe talk to a therapist? Best thing I can say is that, clear-minded me didn't change before vs after. But horny me, definitely did.

Still depressed. Don't think that one's going away anytime soon...