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How should I change my polite behavior to be more accommodating? (sh.itjust.works)

submitted 6 months ago by clay_pidgin@sh.itjust.works to c/asklemmy@lemmy.ml

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My parents raised me to always say "yes sir" and "no ma'am", and I automatically say it to service workers and just about anyone with whom I'm not close that I interact with. I noticed recently that I had misgendered a cashier when saying something like "no thank you, ma'am" based on their appearing AFAB, but on a future visit to the store they had added their pronouns (they) to their name tag. I would feel bad if their interaction with me was something they will remember when feeling down. This particular person has a fairly androgynous haircut/look and wears a store uniform, so there's no gender clue there.

I am thinking I need to just stop saying "sir" and "ma'am" altogether, but I like the politeness and I don't know how I would replace it in a gender-neutral way. Is there anything better than just dropping it entirely?

For background I'm a millennial and more than happy to use people's correct pronouns if I know them!

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[–] Nemo@midwest.social 7 points 6 months ago (2 children)

I see a lot of unhelpful comments so far, so just let me say that I get where you're coming from and am also seeking a good option.

In informal situations, I use "cousin" or "neighbor"; at work with patrons I use "sir" or "miss" if I think I can guess the gender and "my friend" if I'm unsure. ("Miss" instead of "ma'am" or "madam" because apparently Easterners have a weird age connotation with those terms that I honestly don't fully understand.) I also use "friends" for a mixed group. But I've got nothing for a formal situation such as addressing a stranger on the street.

For those telling OP –and by extension, my Midwestern self– that just saying "excuse me" or "thank you" is fine... respectfully, no. That doesn't address the person. I get that manners vary by region, but it doesn't help us to be polite in an ungendered way in the regions we are.

[–] clay_pidgin@sh.itjust.works 3 points 6 months ago

That's exactly how I'm thinking, thank you. I used service workers as an example, but it's much wider then that. Strangers of any kind, especially people with whom I may want to be a little deferential. Older folks, people doing me a service, someone with authority like a teacher at my kids school.

Sir and ma'am are in addition to the please and thank you, which are the minimum.

[–] twice_twotimes@sh.itjust.works 2 points 6 months ago (1 children)

I am also midwestern, and I have a problem with both miss and ma’am. The entire fact that there are two of them (and just the one for men) implies that age determines some portion of a woman’s societal value.

So as a fellow midwesterner, I’m not sure I agree with the idea that this is fully regionalized rather than a vaguer community-based (your church, your town, your parents’ profession, your school system…). I do hear that you want to be authentic to your own values and upbringing and completely appreciate that. But I’d consider whether the point of politeness terms and honorifics is to make you, the speaker, feel like you’re doing the right thing or about making your addressee feel seen and valued. If it’s the second, then you might consider whether it’s worth developing a new way of showing respect that can feel equally authentic in contexts where you may be unintentionally be making others uncomfortable.

[–] Nemo@midwest.social 2 points 6 months ago

worth developing a new way of showing respect that can feel equally authentic

That's the whole point if this post, trying to find a new (to me) and authentic way of recognizing others without connotations of gender (and since you cogently brought it up, age).