this post was submitted on 09 Apr 2024
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[–] Fluke@discuss.online 69 points 7 months ago (2 children)

Electronic rectangle with endless content. Engineered mix of rage-bait, cuteness, and fake news will have your hairless ape coming back for more again and again! 9/10 human veterinarians recommend! Guarantee reduced existential dread or your money back.

[–] variants@possumpat.io 7 points 7 months ago

You're making me want to join the Facebook vr world

[–] andrew@lemmy.stuart.fun 2 points 7 months ago

Well my owner is definitely getting his money back or starting a class action suit for false advertising.

[–] kromem@lemmy.world 61 points 7 months ago (1 children)

Heroin - safer than fentanyl and sure to keep your human from ever running away.

"When my little Bobby is a bit too active and needs to calm down, I chose heroin each time, every time."

"Heroin: Xorglob tested, human approved."

[–] InputZero@lemmy.ml 10 points 7 months ago (1 children)

It's alarming how frequently my vet prescribes benzos for my dog. He's a reactive dog sure but he's not overly anxious. Part of me thinks that it's the vet trying to make one more sale sometimes.

[–] Rai@lemmy.dbzer0.com 8 points 7 months ago* (last edited 7 months ago) (1 children)

hay itz me, ur dog

edit: arf

[–] Corkyskog@sh.itjust.works 2 points 7 months ago

Just get a stray dog and take it to the vet. After $500 in bills you can get some dog Diazepam.

[–] venoft@lemmy.world 46 points 7 months ago (2 children)

This reminds me of a text I read on a veterinarian website the other day, "Sterilizing your cat is good for them because then they don't have to go through heat all the time." I imagined this text on a hospitals website and the shitstorm it would bring.

[–] HobbitFoot@thelemmy.club 12 points 7 months ago* (last edited 7 months ago)

It gets far worse when you talk about euthanasia, especially if part of the reason is economic.

[–] Cysioland@lemmygrad.ml 2 points 7 months ago* (last edited 7 months ago)

Poland be like:

Sterilization for female cats (non-consensual): :)
Sterilization for people with uteruses (consensual): :(

[–] ininewcrow@lemmy.ca 26 points 7 months ago (1 children)

Three product lines of tasty fatty and salty foods that will be thoroughly enjoyed by your pet while at the same time staving off heart disease, diabetes or excessive weight gain. Perfectly formulated to help maintain the health of your pet to ensure a long healthy maximum lifespan. The food is also mixed with a special formula of perfectly balanced simulants, antidepressants, methamphetamines, anti-psychotic and microdoses of LSD and other hallucinogenics.

Product one has minimum levels of mind stimulating drugs to keep your pet happy on a regular basis.

Product two has increased doses to sedate and calm your pet when it is feeling depressed, isolated or stressed.

Product three has increased levels of addictive substances such as methamphetamines in order to be used as a control method to train your pet properly. These can used as treats in order to manipulate your pet into learning specific activities.

[–] Aussiemandeus@aussie.zone 3 points 7 months ago

Ohhh can I be proactive 3

[–] lolcatnip@reddthat.com 25 points 7 months ago

Probably the same way treats for children are marketed, because they have the same requirements: it has to appeal to both children's hedonism and parents' desire to feel like they're not feeding their children garbage.

Of course, that's assuming humans can understand the higher beings' marketing. If they can't, it'll be marketed just like pet treats: a claim that your humans will love it, plus a lot of reassurance that the treat is actually good for your pet humans.

[–] Sibbo@sopuli.xyz 22 points 7 months ago

Prevents nuclear annihilation

[–] dbilitated@aussie.zone 22 points 7 months ago (1 children)

"Sedates and pleases! Great for temperament"

[–] Today@lemmy.world 3 points 7 months ago

That sounds good. Can i get mine now? Plus a few extra to pass out?

[–] walden 21 points 7 months ago

Fiber: Promotes healthy pooping.

[–] Deconceptualist@lemm.ee 16 points 7 months ago

Pretty much exactly like Doritosβ„’?

[–] SkaveRat@discuss.tchncs.de 15 points 7 months ago

Nice try, alien marketing agency

[–] HobbitFoot@thelemmy.club 14 points 7 months ago

It is all part of a healthy diet to keep your human's hair silky smooth and skin soft.

[–] disoxlw@lemmy.dbzer0.com 14 points 7 months ago (1 children)

Obligatory mention of Humans Don't Make Good Pets.

[–] pruwybn@discuss.tchncs.de 4 points 7 months ago (1 children)

Porno for Pyros lied to us?

[–] Today@lemmy.world 2 points 7 months ago

We'll make Grapette

[–] CarbonIceDragon@pawb.social 14 points 7 months ago (1 children)

Humans, unlike the animals that human keep as pets, are capable of complex speech, so I'd bet that treats would be marketed towards the humans themselves, so that the humans then push their keeper to buy those treats. Sorta like how lots of ads for toys are marketed towards kids, because advertising works better on them and then they'll go and push their parents to buy them.

[–] DancingBear@midwest.social 19 points 7 months ago* (last edited 7 months ago) (1 children)

We can speak, but can our insectoid overlords understand our speech

[–] CarbonIceDragon@pawb.social 3 points 7 months ago (2 children)

Probably, if they hang around us and study us that often

[–] blind3rdeye@lemm.ee 5 points 7 months ago* (last edited 7 months ago) (1 children)

If we are separated from our parents shortly after birth, and grow up in isolation from other humans - then we would not learn to talk anyway. Note that that's what happens with most pets that humans keep. Maybe we get to walk past some other humans in the park a couple of times a week, but that's it.

[–] DancingBear@midwest.social 3 points 7 months ago

I’m so sorry, he’s a humper. We haven’t had him castrated yet. (translated from insectoid chirping noises.)

[–] interdimensionalmeme@lemmy.ml 1 points 7 months ago (1 children)

They just like the male's milky secretion's taste, the annoying meat flapping noises and whistles, not so much.

[–] Ragnarok314159@sopuli.xyz 1 points 7 months ago

This human horn isn’t working!

[–] intensely_human@lemm.ee 7 points 7 months ago

Gets humans high

[–] AnnaFrankfurter@lemmy.ml 6 points 7 months ago

The same way social media is advertising now.

[–] betheydocrime@lemmy.world 4 points 7 months ago (1 children)
[–] PipedLinkBot@feddit.rocks 2 points 7 months ago

Here is an alternative Piped link(s):

Porno for Pyros,

Piped is a privacy-respecting open-source alternative frontend to YouTube.

I'm open-source; check me out at GitHub.

[–] einlander@lemmy.world 3 points 7 months ago (1 children)
[–] HobbitFoot@thelemmy.club 2 points 7 months ago (1 children)

I'm getting more Fantastic Planet vibes with this one.

[–] crimsonpoodle@pawb.social 2 points 7 months ago

hadn’t heard of that but seems cool will have to give it a watch!

[–] Ironfist@sh.itjust.works 1 points 7 months ago

better be 40% alcohol or I will bite your hand!