Do what I do with my wife. I say she has to learn how to do it and I sit down in front of her and make her take notes and then have her try doing it. I've finally been able to get her to do some stuff on the computer on her own.
this post was submitted on 06 Jan 2025
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Set "office hours" and stick to them. She can make a list of things to do. Maybe it needs to be 20 min every evening, or maybe just once or twice a week. My partner has a similar (but more minor) problem, and this has worked both increasing self-help and making the time spent more enjoyable. Though I'm sure it helps that the needy person doesn't live with us. Good luck
Part of the problem is a lot of programs that people who understand tech think is simple or obvious is actually stupidly wrote and confusing and illogically set up.
Older people rely on logic. And most interfaces are the opposite of logical.
Younger people have this idea of "press a bunch of buttons and once you see how it works, then memorize the steps ".
I'm going to guess that she has said something to the effect of "why is this so complicated"?
The only issue I take is that she won't keep track of the new password that she creates. That to me is laziness.
Older people rely on logic. And most interfaces are the opposite of logical.
Younger people have this idea of "press a bunch of buttons and once you see how it works, then memorize the steps ".
That's the exact opposite of my experience.
I tried to explain Windows logically to the seniors in my family. This is a window. This is the taskbar, it shows your open windows. This is a folder, it contains your documents.
Every time we would start over with these abstractions which are supposed to make logical sense, the very foundation of Windows' early success with casual users. None of it ever stuck with them.
They would instead write down every minor step to achieve a specific goal in a specific way, so they could basically control Windows without paying any attention to context presented on the screen. That's the only thing that worked for them.
That’s the one thing old people just don’t do: they won’t read what’s presented on the screen.
I think it comes from growing up before GUIs, so they think of an interface as a set of buttons on a console. There was very little reason to read an interface back when they were all physical; you either knew what each button did or you didn’t and you only had to memorize it once.
Like, the controls of a T-38 tank are always the same. The controls of a ‘57 Chevy are always the same.
Once GUIs came into play, people started interacting with orders of magnitude more control interfaces, so the concept of “there is no manual; the interface is self-documenting” came into existence.
Now you’re supposed to learn the interface and use it on the first encounter, which means reading what the interface is saying.
that's roughly what I experience too. It's like if they would see a colorful pane of glass, but could not make a distinction between the "boxes" on the screen
Apologies if it's been mentioned already, but since most sites require access to the account email to reset the password, could you set up a filter in the email that forwards to you then deletes any email that has like "password reset" "account recovery" or other common variations in the subject?
This isn’t great, but it’s what I ended up resorting to for my mom who refused to use any service, browser setting, or saved file:
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Make a “master” password with upper-case characters and digits (e.g., M45T3R). Memorize it or write it down.
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Interleave the characters with those of the domain the password is for (e.g., for google.com: gMo4o5gTl3eR). She can type the master password first, then put the cursor at the start and type each letter of the domain name hitting the right arrow after each letter.
As long as she remembered the master password, she could reconstruct the others on the fly. A human could still look at the result and figure out the pattern, but at least it protected her from automated tools.
She can get past the master password, but she can't comprehend finding the password for the correct service, copying it, and pasting it. I don't really know why she can't scroll down the list to find "CVS" and copy the password, but she can't.
I'm looking for a system that a baby could use.
This scheme does not need a list, and if necessary could be simplified enough, some common part with first three letters of the site:
- For Instagram: my-memorable-password-Ins
- For Facebook: my-memorable-password-Fac
The memorable part could be the initials of a favorite song lyric, or something: nggyunglydIns, nggyunglydFac etc.
But the suggestion of using the Chrome password manager sounds like it will be seamless. I don't know if it would work on IOS, but on Android it fills passwords in for many apps, not just web pages.
My family used to both say I was the nerd and can and need to fix all their shit, AND anytime anything went wrong it MUST be my fault since I'm the one "tinkering" with and fixing their shit.
This is a minor part of a huge amount of reasons I worked my ass off to get fully independent and no contact with my family anymore.
Ugh I hate whenever something goes wrong the blame is always placed on the last guy who worked on it. If you ever build a PC for someone, you better believe you are gonna be tech support for that thing FOREVER.
I'd understand if you had issues immediately, or days after, but if its been weeks, months or even years? Gtfo. Thats longer than most free warranties.
PEBKAC.
But seriously, she needs to understand that, even though she (presumably) taught you how to tie your shoes, you don't keep having her tie them for you. At some point there is no problem except that she isn't accepting the solution.
Keeping with the analogy, if a person just refuses to tie shoes, not wearing shoes is always an option...
She never taught me to tie my shoes. I didnt know until I was like 15.
Both my mom and dad were workaholics, and my babysitter was a far closer parent than they were
Would she use one of those little password-keeper books? It's not as secure as a password manager, but it might help get her self-sufficient.
You could start not knowing how to do things, give slower answers, just give bad customer service. Or ask her if whatever she's trying to do can wait until she gets home to get computer.
I know the feeling of wanting to help, it's part of why I became a librarian. I also know the pain of old folks coming in and asking the same questions. I had one lady, really sweet, that would come in and ask for the phone numbers to maybe 3 businesses a day. Like, we'd show her how to look it up, we'd walk her through it on a public terminal, she'd still ask us again the next day. It gets frustrating and you pick your battles.
At least I could go home after a shift and stop being the tech-knower. It doesn't sound like you get to and that sucks.
fix it!!
Ok, make sure not to change the password again, and use your password manager.
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Have a conversation and listen to her. I'm guessing that her behaviors are driven by an emotion. Maybe she's overwhelmed by the complexity. Most people who say that they don't care about security actually prioritize ease of use over security. Unfortunately good security can be hard.
If/when you speak to her, don't try to solve her problems during that conversation. Meet her where she's at and empathize with her. When she's done, you get to express your concerns and see her reacting. I'm guessing that you're concerned that she is putting her finances at risk. Explain your concern to her.
Once you both come to a shared understanding, then you can come with some ideas for her to react to. Again, dig deep into her concerns, talking through them. You're going to need to let some things go. It's her life and her money and you'll be there to help in a nonjudgemental way if anything bad happens and then you can have another conversation after the dust has settled.
I ended up with my parents having 3 passwords. One for their bank, one for their health stuff and one for everything else. The bank and health ones are long and difficult to guess, the other one is easy to remember and "good enough".
Instead of dropping a system on her that she can't/won't use, try asking her what she wants to do. You can explain why passwords need to be different, but you can simplify it by sharing passwords across sites that don't matter. So someone gets her BBC password and finds they can also use it on the Daily Fail, whoop-de-doo. Different pw for the bank.
Simplify your own life. You have to do free tech support for your Mum, and to be fair she changed your nappies for years, but everyone else is expected to trade, especially if they expect you to pay for their services when you need them.
Of course tinkering with something makes it your fault any time anything goes wrong, and the lesson we learn from that is .....?
Chrome Password Manager is easily the most intuitive I've found. Tons of people use it without even realising it exists. Auto synced via Google account on android and you don't have to worry about it. Idk if she uses iOS what would be comparable.
Power of Attorney
I set up LastPass for my parents but they refuse to use it. My mom got locked out of her Facebook account and can't regain access because she doesn't know the password, doesn't know the email it was registered with, and her phone died so she can't prove any prior access. Too bad so sad. Still won't use LastPass.
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Maybe try a different password manager and see if its interface is easier for her to use? There are lots of options, not all of them FOSS but this might be a time to accept a well-regarded commercial solution. Or, since she has the iPhone, try using their password solution. They integrate that pretty thoroughly in their apps and OS, and I think with this year’s OS releases across the board they have turned it into more of a fully-fledged password manager with its own apps. I know very little about it, but there might be a way to integrate it with Firefox on desktop now.
I use vaultwarden, and I stumbled upon the generated password history. It's awesome.
Only option really is to show her how to reset her password. Sounds like she's already doing it, just tell her that's how you log in, you let it autofill, and if it doesn't work you click forgot password and check your email and that's how passwords work now