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How should I change my polite behavior to be more accommodating? (sh.itjust.works)

submitted 5 months ago by clay_pidgin@sh.itjust.works to c/asklemmy@lemmy.ml

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My parents raised me to always say "yes sir" and "no ma'am", and I automatically say it to service workers and just about anyone with whom I'm not close that I interact with. I noticed recently that I had misgendered a cashier when saying something like "no thank you, ma'am" based on their appearing AFAB, but on a future visit to the store they had added their pronouns (they) to their name tag. I would feel bad if their interaction with me was something they will remember when feeling down. This particular person has a fairly androgynous haircut/look and wears a store uniform, so there's no gender clue there.

I am thinking I need to just stop saying "sir" and "ma'am" altogether, but I like the politeness and I don't know how I would replace it in a gender-neutral way. Is there anything better than just dropping it entirely?

For background I'm a millennial and more than happy to use people's correct pronouns if I know them!

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[–] southsamurai@sh.itjust.works 28 points 5 months ago (8 children)

It would be nice if we could get a consensus gender neutral formal honorific. But it's pulling teeth to get everyone on board with polite respect in using gender neutral pronouns at all. People be trippin.

Formal honorifics are important. They're about giving verbal respect until familiarity builds enough to bypass the barrier of the unknown.

Yeah, the origins of honorifics were bound into classist malarkey, but they haven't stayed there. Once we got to the point where folks were ma'aming and sirring everyone, it became something useful. A way of navigating the complex layers of social interaction, and generating a gradual path from stranger to friend.

Sir and ma'am are equalizers when used broadly. They set everyone respected individual by default. I would love a third, or even more, term/terms to be added to that for our neighbors that don't fit the binary.

Good honorifics are the foundation of maintaining good behavior towards everyone

[–] Ciel@lemmygrad.ml 2 points 5 months ago (1 children)

rare german w, our honorific form is gender neutral! (kinda its a little more complex, but its easy to use in a gender neutral way) (the rest of our language isn't though, just the honorifics are)

[–] janNatan@lemmy.ml 1 points 5 months ago (1 children)

Wait, what's the gender neutralish German honorific?

[–] tetris11@lemmy.ml 1 points 5 months ago (1 children)

I think they mean "Sie", which later for decapitalised as "sie" for female

[–] janNatan@lemmy.ml 2 points 5 months ago

Oh! I was thinking maybe "geerhte" but that makes way more sense. Duh.

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