this post was submitted on 28 Aug 2023
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I don't understand how you do that. If you're in person, you have many ways to get a conversation going. For example:
You can also easily see if someone is available to chat or if they're deep in their work, and get a vague idea of their general state of mind so you know if it's a good idea to start a conversation at all, and know what to expect from it if you do.
You get none of that from video calls. You start with a completely blank slate. When you call, all you have to go on is their face looking into the camera.
A video call is also a whole ordeal. You need to set up in one location, and you're stuck there for the entire duration of the call. It takes time to prepare your headset and webcam, make sure you have water, etc. So it's hard to justify a call to just make some quick exchanges like your typical "good morning" and 2-3 sentences of small talk, whereas you can easily do that in person at no cost as you walk past each other in the hallway. You can also easily just have someone walk with you as you chat, so you don't need to make any kind of preparations ahead of time.
This is all coming from someone who's likely autistic, so maybe my experience is different from everyone else's, but I can say for sure that I have more difficulties with socializing in a remote setup than in person.
After 10 years working in offices, the last 3 being mostly remote, I hate to say it because I am lazy and it makes no sense to commute 2hours a day to go into an overcrowded city, but being in a physical location beats remote if done right.
The problem is, it is rarely done right. Some workplaces also just happen to be filled with people I will never bond with.
I also fucking hate to have my calendar filled with meetings and useless 1:1. It is worst than it ever been. What could have been a quick chat at my desk is now a reserved 1h long meeting for which I have to prepare and stay glued at my webcam for.
I have a friend who absolutely love remote and webcams. He loves sitting still in front of the computer and making faces and everything. Well I am not like that. I like multitasking, talking to people while I work or moving around. I loved going out for dinner with the people I bonded with to talk about stuff.
Work in the office can be made to not feel like work, I experienced it in at least 1 place. Made me feel like I was hanging out with friends all day. Remote work will sort of always feel like work for me, even with the people I like it is sort of meh. Being on call is too intrusive and not being on call is too isolated. We're sort of missing the in-between. Anyway I could go on.
I always wished I could simply teleport into the building, because the commute has always been the worsy part of the day, by far.
Some of this is accurate. but with Teams or Webex you can set your status, and courtesy is message first and wait for confirmation before a cold call. invest in a Bluetooth headset like: MS modern headset with USB link and Bluetooth, is a game changer. i can be making a coffee in the kitchen and answer a call from the PC USB wifi , or my phone BT connection.
Yeah, a BT headset would make things easier for me for sure, but my concern is for the other party. Not a fan of inconveniencing people.
All of these can easily be replaced in digital environments, but you're correct that not all environments will be conducive to this. Don't see something you can immediately comment on? You can ask nearly anyone any of the following questions and get a response:
In terms of direct replacements or stand ins, I'd suggest some of the following:
I don't think it always has to be a video call, and learning how to listen and invite through multiple mediums of communication is a good skill to tap into. Humans are quite varied which unfortunately means there's no one size fits all solution here so much as there's a million doors that you can try to open and hope that at least a few will stick with the people you work with. As an aside a contact management system or notes can also help you to keep track of what people enjoy, the names of important figures in their lives, how they like to communicate, etc.
Yeah, so the generic small talk openers. This is definitely something I personally need to work on, but until then, it's a rather large barrier to cross for socializing.
As for your other suggestions:
I also just realized that a large part of socializing for me is just being physically present in the same space as another person and sharing an experience as much as it is talking. Sharing a cup of coffee with someone in silence at a coffee shop? Very enjoyable and relaxing. Doing the same over a zoom call? Awkward AF.
These are all great points and point at something which is unfortunately a difficult barrier to cross - one of culture. Older folks aren't used to doing these, and so many of them end up being resistant. They then realize that their social lives are lacking, and lament not being in the office if they don't otherwise have good social connections outside of the office. It's nice to hear that your work gave it a shot, and it sucks to hear that none of these caught on. I personally have an extremely active social life outside of work, so I've never enjoyed too much small talk or getting to know my coworkers on too deep of a level, but I definitely see many of my fellow coworkers and acquaintances struggling with this kind of problem. As I said before, I think you need to keep opening doors to see which ones work. Which doors work will vary from person to person, and as you likely have already noticed the people who start random conversations on slack are likely the same small group of individuals and it's rough to try and get people who don't normally interact to actually interact.
Hopefully something from the reply ended up being helpful to you to start thinking about the process. As an aside, here's a short list of some questions that are a little bit more personal/substantial than small talk, but are great once you've established a foothold to start to get to know someone and build some trust:
Those are some great conversation starters, and certainly lots of relevant advice. Got a few ideas of my own as well while writing up these replies. Thanks for sharing! We've settled on a hybrid setup now and most of the people I care to talk to are regularly in the office, so I mostly just need to get my ass out of the house. But that's a whole other can of worms to tackle.